Sorry I Haven’t Posted In A While

Hello everyone!

Hope you’re all well. I also hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. I don’t celebrate any of that so there is really nothing to say about any of it. Anyway, nothing has changed my way except I got another dog. I’ll get into that in a minute. My depression hasn’t gotten any better. I still have suicidal thoughts. Don’t worry, I am a God-fearing woman so I’ll never do something like that. It just never leaves my mind. I think about it often including ways to get it over with faster and easier, but I’ll never do it because I don’t wanna hurt anyone I care about.

The other day I was seriously considering it. I am fed up with life! I brought it to my boyfriend’s attention and he actually got very upset. I felt bad that he cried. I told him everything that was going through my head. He felt helpless, but he tried his best to make me feel better. I love him so much! He is one of the biggest reasons I keep hanging on to this pitiful existence. I really don’t know how to make myself happy. I feel like I suck at this game called “life”. Ironically I can play the board game pretty well. I always get a good career, a car full of kids and a husband, and at the end get the mansion and all the money. I wish that worked out in real life, lol. Someday!

Well, you know me; always manage to laugh at something even when I don’t feel like it. You know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. So, I won’t let depression kill me. I’ll always fight it and try to be the stronger one. Anyway, so I got a dog last Thursday. He is a Jack Russell and he is 3 years old. His name is “Petey”. I get a kick out of his name cause that’s what I used to call my last boyfriend as his name is Peter. I wasn’t even planning on getting another dog. Here is the story of how I got Petey…

I was out with my friend and she needed to go to the Humane Society to renew her dog license. We stayed there for a while looking at cats that are waiting to be adopted. A few have been adopted since we went there I just found out yesterday. Anyway, we couldn’t see the dogs because the area was blocked off as it is under construction to add more rooms for other dogs that might come in. So, after we walked out of there, there was an old man sitting in his car with a dog.

At first, I thought he had just adopted the dog and I just looked at him quick and turned away. The man started talking to my friend. I didn’t hear him right away, but when I did, I realized he was talking to her in Spanish. So, I went over to find out what he was saying to her. My friend doesn’t understand Spanish so I thought I’d better jump in the conversation and talk to this person. He was telling us that he couldn’t keep his dog. He said his wife had been to the Humane Society with the dog last month.

She had apparently paid $125 to leave the dog there, but sometime later regretted her decision and she paid $75 to get him back. He said that his neighbors were the reason they had to give up the dog. I thought it was unfair that his neighbors were being jerks and blaming Petey for whatever their dogs had done. I am guessing his neighbors didn’t like them for whatever reason. This old man was so sweet. He told me he’s a Christian and had been sitting in his car praying that someone would come along and take his dog home.

When he said that, it really touched me. So, I told him I’d take the dog. The joyous look on his face was priceless! He went from almost crying to smiling. I couldn’t stand the thought of him and his wife getting evicted over a dog. I wanted to help and I did. He gave me the dog along with food, a leash and collar, a kennel, blankets, a pillow, and toys. I told him to follow me home since I live near the Humane Society. He was happy to see that the dog would have so much room to run around. I live on 50 acres of land in the country.

He is a very active and loving dog. I love him! God is good! I remember telling my friend that if I had my own place, I’d get a small dog or a cat. I already have that living here, but I live with relatives. I wanna live alone. If Liam and I don’t work out that is. I plan to visit England this year and finally meet Liam. This would be my second trip to England. I can’t wait! Anyway, here is where it all becomes negative and makes me think that I didn’t do the right thing. I’ll explain…

Before I arrived home with the dog, I had called my grandma to tell her I was on my way. I told her I was bringing a dog home. She wasn’t happy about it. So, from that day on we’ve done nothing but argue. In the past, I’ve done anything and everything to please her. Not this time! I stood my ground and I pretty much told her “tough shit the dog stays”. If any of you remember my post on Xanga where I said that she had always treated me like an invalid, etc. Well, she tried that bullshit on me again. I told her off! I am fully capable of taking care of this dog. My brothers love Petey and support me 100%!

The old man gave me his number just in case I wanted to give the dog back. It’s not happening! I am keeping him for sure! I’ve been training him a bit. He knows to go outside to do his business, but he doesn’t know his commands. So, I am working on that and so far he is learning pretty quick. My other dog likes him, but they are not used to each other yet. It will take sometime! I’ll post his picture on here if it lets me. (I’ve tried several times and it won’t let me add his picture. Will try again later.)

In other news, I am going to dye and cut my hair this week. I also have a renal scan and other appointments which I’ll update you all on later. My trip to Florida is still pending for later this year. I am also going to my sister’s wedding in Puerto Rico this summer. So, I have a few things to look forward to this year. So, I guess suicide isn’t in my plans just reading back on all of this, lol. So long as I have Liam, my true friends and my pets, I’ll be happy. Goodnight! 

Need Prayers :(

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well tonight. Sorry I continue to disappear from here, but this time of year always gets me down and I shut down completely. No, it’s nothing to do with the season or the weather. As you all know, my mom died this month in 1999. In fact, today (November 12) she would have been 57. I miss her a lot and my life has been hell since she died.

Anyway, the reason I am asking for prayers tonight is, because my Godmother Candy really needs all the prayers she can get. She is having heart surgery in the morning to remove a blood clot she has in the aorta. Her doctor wasn’t really nice about it and flat out told her she could die on the table.

Whatever happened to optimistic doctors?!? I know it’s a 50/50 chance one way or the other, but he didn’t have to be such an ass about it. My Godmother happens to be my grandma’s (mom’s mom) baby sister. I believe she is around 65 years old. My grandma is really worried. Candy lives in Puerto Rico and we don’t have the money to go there. I am so torn!

I was also supposed to go out for my birthday Tuesday evening, but I told my friend to cancel because I have to be home for my grandma. My birthday is on Friday, but my friend works so that’s why we were gonna celebrate it sooner. It can wait, though. Family is more important to me right now. It always has been. Even when they don’t deserve for me to care, but I do.

In other news, Erik is still going through hell. He really needs prayers as well. He is going back to the hospital in the morning for some procedure. He still isn’t able to keep things down. His potassium levels keep dropping dangerously low. He is so dehydrated still that his kidneys are suffering. I hope this nightmare is soon over for him and he can be himself again. I feel for him!

On Monday morning, Liam had surgery. He had a hernia. He is home tonight and his brother is looking after him. He actually shocked me when he told me that my ex fiance Chris (you all knew him as two_of_six on Xanga), called him and told him he’d come by Tuesday and stay the night. Chris is a sweetheart! It’s just a shame we didn’t work out, but we remain best friends.

Some good news! My brother Melvin, went to the hospital to get checked for high blood pressure. He had several tests and he is OK, thanks be to God. He also told me that the same person who is interested in his idea for the hospital (still can’t say what it is), called him again and told him he really wants to start putting his idea in motion. So, it looks like things are looking up for my brother. I am very proud of him!

As for me, I still have some discomfort in my stomach. I was told I have fluid in there from my VP shunt. So, it looks like I’ll have to talk to my neurologist and see what he can do about this. I am more than likely looking at surgery in the near future. I am not bothered really. I just want this to go away!

Well, I guess this is all for now. I hope you all had a good Monday! Thank you for reading and your prayers! Blessings.

Sickness, Deaths, Etc…

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone is doing well! I haven’t been around for a few reasons. 

1. I’ve been too depressed and with no ability to think straight lately. I am stressing all over again.

2. Too tired from sleepless nights as my grandma has been sick and still is. I was sick as well, but I am fine now. Well, as fine as fine can be. I’ll explain on here later.

3. I’ve been back and forth to Erik (my ex husband). He still isn’t well and he’s been scheduled once again for a second gastric bypass in 2 weeks. I just got home yesterday from being with him. He was so sick! I couldn’t stand to see him how he was and still is. I’ll spare you the details of what I saw when I was with him. It was just horrible! I broke down and my nerves were shot. 

4. A couple of weeks ago, my brother Dave, was in the E.R. due to being stung and having a very bad reaction. He looked terrible! He is ok now and has an EpiPen. 

5. A week later, my brother Melvin, had chest pains. He is 34 and when he was 29, he almost had a heart attack. He has high blood pressure and hasn’t been treated for it. I keep bugging him about it and he keeps telling me he is ok. He is so stubborn! 

6. Last Thursday and Friday, I was at a viewing and funeral. My best friends’ grandma passed away. I had to be there for them. Not only that, but I was practically family cause Erik is their cousin and the lady was his great aunt. I hadn’t been to a funeral since my friend’s death in 2002. I was in shock and numb. I don’t ever wanna go to another viewing/funeral again!

7. As for me, well I’ve been to the doctor today. I got my results back. My blood work was fine once again. My ultrasound showed that I may have a cyst in my stomach. I have fluid where it hurts. I am going back to have a CT Scan next Wednesday to get a clearer picture of what’s going on. Whatever it is, may have to be dealt with via surgery. I really DON’T want another surgery! The good news is that, I don’t have a tumor or a hernia. 

When I wasn’t home, my uncle and his wife were here visiting from Georgia for a week. So, my grandma was never alone. Last night, she got up in the middle of the night and almost fell over. She is lucky I was here! 

Anyway, also last night, I had a phone call from my boyfriend in England. He told me his aunt passed away and I didn’t know what to say other than offer my condolences. I let him talk and he had a few things to say about his aunt. He was upset that he hadn’t seen her since last Christmas. She lived in Wales. Liam is English/Welsh. By then end of our conversation he was ok. I managed to make him laugh and he had this to say to me, “I love you, Sandra. I am much happier now. Thank you, lovey. You cheered me up.” He is a sweetheart and I love him so much!

Today, my dad turned 58. I called him to say “Happy Birthday” and to let him know I’ll see him in June of next year. I also told him I plan to stay a month in Puerto Rico, that way I get to spend more time with the family. Plus, I really wanna get away from here for a while.

I had plans to go to Florida in a few weeks, but I won’t be able to because I don’t wanna leave Erik. I wanna be there for his surgery and also see him through his recovery. I wanna be sure that he’ll be ok 100% before I go anywhere. There I go again, putting other people’s needs before my own. This is who I am, though. I can’t be selfish!

I think this is all for now. Next Friday, I should know the results from my CT Scan. I’ll do an update then. Tomorrow, I’ll read and catch up on everyone here. Have a goodnight, everyone! I miss you all! Thank you for reading! ❤

Sorry I’ve Been M.I.A.

Hi everyone, 

I hope everyone is well. Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I got sick and I am still sick. I have a bad cold but that is the least of my worries. As always, it seems like I never have anything good to say. Last week, I felt a huge lump in my stomach. I have 3 doctor friends who say it’s more than likely a hernia. Well, tomorrow I am calling my own doctor and asking her for a scan to be sure. 

I told my grandma about it a few nights ago and even had her feel it. She freaked out and I felt bad. She immediately thought “cancer” cause my mom (her daughter) died from that. However, that is not what happened to my mom when the cancer was found. I know this isn’t cancer but whatever it is, it surely is annoying and somewhat painful.

In other news, my ex husband Erik isn’t doing so great. He is gonna need a second Gastric Bypass next  month. He is still getting sick and unable to eat. Constantly dehydrated and his kidneys are getting worse. He is now at Stage 3 Renal Failure on both sides. As sick as I am, I am gonna try my best to spend time with him before his surgery. He really needs an understanding friend and I understand him better than anyone.

As for my grandma, she finally stopped sleepwalking. She had a cold as well, but she’s better now. Her only problem now is her back. She has a curved spine due to her aging and nothing can be done about that. She has no choice but to put up with that pain. She is still very strong at 87 years old and gets around pretty well. Nothing stops her! 

Anyway, I saw my brothers today. The one who is a surgeon was telling me about some idea he has for the hospital he works at and perhaps for the hospitals across the country. He showed me a text message from a surgeon in Florida who wants to talk to him about this idea he has. I am not allowed to say what it is yet. My brother is very smart and whatever he has planned, I hope it all works out for him. 

Well, I don’t have much else to say. I don’t feel well, so I am gonna end this here. I will try my best to catch up with everyone. I can’t even sit up long enough to read blogs. As soon as I find out what’s wrong with me, I will update everyone. Prayers are appreciated! 

Love, hugs, and blessings to you all! 

Fundraiser

I am not sure how many of you know that Jamie Cooper aka jamielovex on Xanga was killed in a car accident this week. I was so sad to find out that this had happened. Jamie was a bright young woman with a troubled life. I got to know her because I read one of her entries on Xanga where she was living a situation I very much related to. We became friends then and I kept up with her life as she blogged about it on Xanga. She was even on here for a while. The girl had spunk but through her writing I could see so much pain as well. She’ll be missed by those of us who knew her.

The reason for this post is to share a link with you all. This is a fundraiser to help her family with funeral costs. If you could donate any amount, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much! Click here.

Life is too short and we must embrace it. We must also love everyone around us, for we never know when we might lose them. I am at a loss for words. In the past week or so I have contributed towards 2 funeral costs. I hope I don’t hear anymore bad news.

Goodnight, everyone! 😦

Moving To Florida?

Hello everyone!

How’s everyone today? I hope you’re all having a good Friday wherever you are. I just had my relatives from Florida come over for a visit. They were talking to me and asked me how I’ve been. I told them exactly how I am. I don’t hide anything. Of course, unlike my immediate family, they were genuinely concerned. Whenever someone in the family asks me how I am, my answer is usually – “fed up with life and might consider suicide”. No, I don’t say that for attention. I am not a child! It’s just how I really feel. If a friend asks me how I am I’ll say, – “I am ok” or “I am alive”.

Anyway, I guess I should explain who was all here. My Godfather and his wife (my second cousin) were here with her mother who is my grandma’s sister. My second cousin Millie was here with her husband and 2 girls. The girls are not hers. My second cousin Rafael was here for a bit but since he is a trucker he had to hit the road cause he got paged. My Godfather and his wife were trying to talk me into going to Florida. I haven’t been to Florida since May 2001, but I had always wanted to go back and maybe stay for good. I am still tempted to do so.

So, I told them I’d think about it. Then, my grandma joined the conversation and right away they said something like, “Take your grandma with you”. WHAT?!? I don’t want to take ANYONE with me! If I go, I wanna go ALONE. She stresses me out and the idea of going anywhere on vacation is to GET AWAY FROM MY STRESS. No thanks! I am already thinking I wanna go for my birthday in November. If I like being with family in Florida, I might consider moving to where they are. They live in Kissimmee. I’ve been there for vacation. I have a Timeshare in Orlando that belonged to my mother.

Anyway, other than Florida state, I had never wanted to move anywhere else in the South. In fact, I had told Gary when he was here that if I moved anywhere it would be Rhode Island. I’ve never been to Rhode Island but I’ve seen how beautiful it is there through pictures from friends who live there or near there. I’ve always been an East Coast girl. Even when I lived in Puerto Rico. Since a lot of my relatives are in Florida, I think I might really consider it. Just not yet! Why? Because my heart is in England as you all know. If things don’t work out with me and Liam, I’ll make a decision about Florida. I’d love to go live in England though. We’ll see!

Liam is a sweetheart! If we do work out, we might not even live in England. He is originally from Wales and he likes it there. So, we could be living there. Who knows? Wales is beautiful and I’d love to see it as well. I didn’t get a chance to go there when I visited the UK last year. So, I have lots to think about, but the point is I always have some sort of plan in case something doesn’t pan out. I know one thing though, and that is that I am definitely not staying in Pennsylvania another 25 years! 

My cousin told me that if I decide to visit Florida, she’d help me find out whatever I need to there to live etc. It’s so nice to know someone cares and would help me with anything I need. I am so tired of living like a caged up animal. I hardly go anywhere! My cousin even said she’d help me get a license and a car to get around. That bit scares me cause I’ve seen how people drive in Florida lol. She said life is easier in Florida than it is in Pennsylvania. I think I believe that! She also said people in Florida are nicer. Well, I am not really a people person. I don’t care either way how people are. I am trying to live for me and not worry about others. 

Well, I think I bored you all enough for one day, LOL. Have a great weekend!

 

My Special Friend!

It was a rainy day in Pennsylvania yesterday. Luckily, it stopped raining sometime in the afternoon. Anyway, I was with my friend Natalie. She drives me around when I need her to since I don’t drive. I told her I was meeting someone and she offered to take me to meet this person.

I got a phone call just before 1pm. It was my friend! He wanted to let me know that he was in the state and we’d meet sometime after 2pm. Well, when he got to my city, he let me know and I met up with him where he was waiting for me and Natalie. He was standing by his car waiting patiently. I was happy to see him!

From where we met, we went to a local restaurant. I had asked him if he’d like to go eat somewhere and we had lunch at the Gin Mill. It was nice! We had a good time talking and laughing. He was delightful! Just like I had imagined he would be. His soft looking smile and sparkling eyes lit up his entire face. Such a sweet man!

We talked about the Xanga friends we have in common. People we like and don’t lol. It was funny! We didn’t badmouth anyone for the record. I don’t do that and I am sure he wouldn’t either. He asked me how my life is going. He is an awesome person! Very loving and caring. I could say a lot more about him but I think you get the picture lol.

Here is a picture of me with my friend!

Image

Yes, Gary Biovin aka righteousbruin! 🙂 He is the first and only Xangan I have ever met in the states.

I was nervous at first cause I am socially awkward sometimes. However, as soon as I gave him a hug I got over it. He is so easy-going. It didn’t really feel like I was meeting someone new. It was as if I was meeting someone I already knew. Know what I mean? He made me feel comfortable and that’s hardly ever easy for me lol.

I just wanna take this opportunity to thank you Gary once again for the lovely visit and the nice time we had together. I’d love to do it all over again soon! I miss you, my friend! You’re an amazing man with a kind-hearted soul and spirit. God Bless You!

Last Night Etc

Last night (Monday night) was a nightmare! I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning and that’s something I never EVER do. Surprisingly my dog was at peace for once lol. I guess no ghosts were bugging him last night? LOL! I thought I’d sleep since my grandma hadn’t tried to sleepwalk and I thought maybe she’d sleep all night. WRONG! 

I fell asleep around 2am and I woke up about an hour later to find the bedroom door wide open. However, she was IN bed asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she had been up and out the door. She said “No”. So, now, I have no idea if she walked out and came back or whatever happened. 

Tuesday afternoon she had her appointment. Everything that was to be addressed there was, but the doctor didn’t even seem too concerned. It is 1am where I am now, and I am not even tired surprisingly. It is very quiet here at the moment. I should sleep soon, though. I have a busy Wednesday coming up!

I am hoping to meet a very special friend tomorrow for the first time. I’ll blog about it Wednesday night if I can. If not, it will definitely be Thursday. I am excited about it! Anyway, I don’t have much to report so I’ll end this here. I hope everyone had a good Tuesday! Have a great Wednesday! See ya all next time! 

Stress And Other Things

Hello!

Hope everyone is well. I am so sorry I am not around much. It’s been a stressful couple of weeks. I’ve been dealing with my ex Erik, my grandma, my dog, my debts, etc. I’ll explain everything.

I’ll start with Erik. He is still in and out of the hospital, but he is getting better thankfully. However, about a week ago, I heard him on the phone talking to someone from the hospital. He was being asked a bunch of questions.

Well, one of the questions was – “Have you got a P.O.A.?”, to which he said – “No, but you can make my ex wife my P.O.A. since she knows all my medical history and I’d like her to be the one to make any decisions”. I froze when I heard him say that!

Can you imagine?!? I don’t wanna be the one who decides whether he lives or dies or whether he should be hooked up to anything should anything happen to him. Then, I heard him say – “You can all make a decision on what’s best for me but I’d still like you to ask her”.

My gosh, I didn’t even make any decisions about my mom when she was sick! What makes him think I wanna put his life on my hands?!? I even heard him say that he is an organ donor. Really?!? I’d like to know when he decided on that!

I understand that he feels more comfortable with me cause we’ve been through a lot together. He also knows that I know a lot of medical terms etc. I’ll be there for him always, that’s not an issue. I am just scared to think of the “what ifs”.

Anyway, moving right along! My grandma has been SLEEPWALKING late at night and it freaks me out. I can’t get any decent sleep cause I worry about her constantly. Sometimes I am up till 4am watching her. Tomorrow she has an appointment.

The appointment is to talk about her blood test results and to check her over. She is pretty healthy even though she has diabetes and thyroid issues. She’s 87 but looks 67. She is a very strong woman. I’ll be talking to her doctor about her sleepwalking.

The next thing is my dog. I love my dog, but he can be annoying sometimes lol. Every single night nearly he barks between 11pm-2am. You might think I am nuts, but the dog can see and hear the same things I do. My house is haunted.

So, there are times when I hear a little girl crying and saying “Daddy”. Other times I feel her presence and sometimes she plays with my dreamcatchers. This child is not my daughter though. I wish it was cause I miss my baby girl.

Anyway, last night, as I was walking out of my room, I saw him wagging his tail like someone was playing with him or something. No one else was there. When I saw him again he was just sitting there. Later on, he started to bark like he was ready to kill.

I heard footsteps on my front porch and no one was there, but there was a light floating around outside and even my grandma saw that. The dog kept barking. I heard another noise and so did my dog. He finally quit barking around 2am.

Now, my debts! I am so sick of stressing over my debts. No matter what I try, I just can’t resolve anything. I was getting phone calls every single day and I never answered. Now, they’ve resorted to sending letters threatening me to pay etc.

I wish I had confidence within myself but I don’t. When I was in my 20s, I tried so many “work-at-home” programs. None of them worked. Maybe it’s just me? I’ve seen how people now who are as young as I was back then trying to make ends meet the same way and succeeding. Maybe they have a support system. I sure didn’t!

I think that’s why I haven’t tried anything. I even quit writing and you all know that it was the one thing I loved the most. Honestly, I feel lost. I cry all the time. I am a mess! The only thing I am happy about is my relationship. Liam and I are great!

However, that can also stress me out. Why? Because it is a long distance relationship. It’s not that I can’t do it cause I can, but I still feel alone specially when he isn’t around. He is a hard worker and wants to do more with his life. I admire that in him. He knows what he wants. I finally have a man who has a good head on his shoulders!

In other news, my little brother was in the hospital last week and I wasn’t told. Well, not by the people who should have told me like my dad and my sisters. My cousin Ed told me instead and of course later on my little sister posted it on Facebook. WTF?!?

My brother is 16 and very active. My sister Lilly had him call me and we talked. He is doing ok, he had cellulitis. Lilly had that as well years ago. I’ve never had it thankfully. I have enough on my plate, so I definitely don’t need that lol.

Today, I found out that a friend of mine lost his nephew in a car accident last night. Here is the link where you can read about the accident. It’s very sad! Please say a prayer for the Warner family. I appreciate it! Here is a link that was posted on Facebook asking for donations. If anyone is interested in helping my friend’s family. Thank you!

Not much else going on. I haven’t forgotten about the pictures I said I was gonna post. I’ll be doing that probably tomorrow after I get home. I am getting bored of my page so I am gonna try to change it. I am still learning how WP works. Xanga was so much easier! Anyway, I hope you are all having a good day!